Baby Steps?

I remember, back in the day, when that title meant we were “in waiting for a baby”.  Now it’s the new mantra in my life but for a totally different reason.

After talking to my brother about my dad’s odd night of texting, I was talked in to making an effort to have Glory spend more time with him.  I think everyone thinks she’s the last link – the last real connection.  After a very long talk with Cristy, I mentioned it to my mom.  She, of course, loved the idea!  It meant that she could have more time with Glory and that my dad may possibly see more of what he’s missing.

I thought about calling him Christmas Eve and came really close but then it just hurt too much.  Most likely, he wouldn’t have answered.  And the fact that he chose to leave town for Christmas (& all events related…) was enough of a reason not to put myself out there.  But I did ask if they’d watch her one night last week.

We dropped her off and didn’t see him at all.  My guess is that he heard me come in and went to the back bedroom.  We weren’t there long but long enough to know he was purposely avoiding me.  Walking out I thought, “at least he didn’t chase me down the driveway like he did on Father’s Day”.  Silver lining, I guess.

Picking her up was about the same.  We were gathering her things in the living room and as I walked in to the kitchen, he turned the corner to walk out and passed me.  He looked at me.  Smirked, rather.  And walked to the back bedroom.  Again, there was no chasing or screaming.  Silver lining.

Glory went back to the room to say goodbye.  I heard her say she loved him and I suppose that’s what matters most.  Right now, he loves her too.  But I have no reason to believe she’s always safe in that love.  I’m still thinking and re-thinking and right now I’d be fine with her seeing him now & again but not more than that.  Some of you might think that’s selfish and it probably is.  But somewhere deep in my denial or confusion, I know it’s right.

It’s a new year and it’s been over 8 months since he found out he wasn’t my biological father.  8 months since he’s talked to me.  8 months since he’s said, after 40 years, I’m no longer his daughter.  I guess there’s not a time limit on this sort of thing but I sure am getting weary.

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This entry was posted in dad.

4 comments on “Baby Steps?

  1. Your mom still lives with him ? I thought they were separated ? no.
    You’re a bigger person than most. I would be worried that he would treat Glory different because of her connection with you. I guess I’m glad that your mom is there to keep her safe.

    I see a very long road and even when he does come around. Which I think he will. It will never be the same and those deep feelings of him denying you will always be seeded in your heart and for that I am so sorry.
    You are a very brave and strong person Keri. This can’t be disputed.

  2. Cris says:

    Yes you are a better person than me…..I could not leave her there it’s just not in me…..I wish only the best for you….sorry you have to go through this…..and I am sure down deep he still loves you how can he not? You have been in his life for so long…again I will be thinking of you…..hoping for some peace….

  3. Leslie says:

    Love just does not stop, blood does not make you a father. Keri, you continue to do what feels comfortable in your gut…listen to your inner voice. As long as you feel that good can come from Glory seeing him…then you do it. You are in my thoughts, hang in there…you are a FIGHTER, as you’ve proven over and over, time and time again. Leslie

  4. Stacey says:

    Hi, I just found your blog through a friend. I have one too but it’s private so you’d have to email me to get access if you’re interested (stacey_bourgeois@hotmail.com we’re a 2 mom family in Toronto.)

    I am just so sorry to read this…that last bit really hit me hard. I don’t have all of the back story so perhaps I need to go back and read it from the beginning. But it sounds like this is nothing you did and yet you’re being punished? It’s really not fair. It might hurt him to find that out but he should still love you and think of you as his. I don’t get it when people think biology is such a huge factor in family. I have a dad who is not my bio father and he is 100% mine. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling and the confusion as to what to do. I’m sorry. That’s all I can say really.

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