I remember, back in the day, when that title meant we were “in waiting for a baby”. Now it’s the new mantra in my life but for a totally different reason.
After talking to my brother about my dad’s odd night of texting, I was talked in to making an effort to have Glory spend more time with him. I think everyone thinks she’s the last link – the last real connection. After a very long talk with Cristy, I mentioned it to my mom. She, of course, loved the idea! It meant that she could have more time with Glory and that my dad may possibly see more of what he’s missing.
I thought about calling him Christmas Eve and came really close but then it just hurt too much. Most likely, he wouldn’t have answered. And the fact that he chose to leave town for Christmas (& all events related…) was enough of a reason not to put myself out there. But I did ask if they’d watch her one night last week.
We dropped her off and didn’t see him at all. My guess is that he heard me come in and went to the back bedroom. We weren’t there long but long enough to know he was purposely avoiding me. Walking out I thought, “at least he didn’t chase me down the driveway like he did on Father’s Day”. Silver lining, I guess.
Picking her up was about the same. We were gathering her things in the living room and as I walked in to the kitchen, he turned the corner to walk out and passed me. He looked at me. Smirked, rather. And walked to the back bedroom. Again, there was no chasing or screaming. Silver lining.
Glory went back to the room to say goodbye. I heard her say she loved him and I suppose that’s what matters most. Right now, he loves her too. But I have no reason to believe she’s always safe in that love. I’m still thinking and re-thinking and right now I’d be fine with her seeing him now & again but not more than that. Some of you might think that’s selfish and it probably is. But somewhere deep in my denial or confusion, I know it’s right.
It’s a new year and it’s been over 8 months since he found out he wasn’t my biological father. 8 months since he’s talked to me. 8 months since he’s said, after 40 years, I’m no longer his daughter. I guess there’s not a time limit on this sort of thing but I sure am getting weary.