…isn’t it doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results? …something like that.
I haven’t talked about my family for a bit and last night had enough of a punch to feel it again. I’ve tried to have Glory at my mom & dad’s once every other week or so. After talking to my brother, it seemed a good idea to keep Glory around my dad – hoping it would pull him back a little. Maybe it’s working. I don’t know. I do know that Glory loves him. When he’s around her, he’s very loving with her – as he always was. But nothing has changed regarding us.
Before I pick her up, I make a warning call. That gives my mom time to tell my dad I’m almost there. When I walk in the door, I hear him leave the kitchen and walk to their bedroom. He shuts the door and stays there until I leave – no matter who long I stay.
It’s ridiculous. But more than anything else, it hurts me deeply. I’d like to say that I roll my eyes and scoff at his immaturity. I wish I could just move on and think of him differently. But I hear his voice in the background of my mom’s voicemail. I still call him dad when I’m relaying stories of my life and this tiny part of me feels foolish – knowing he no longer considers me his daughter.
I can’t figure out a way to reconcile it all. Sadly, there seems to be a theme here.
Anyway, I decided to send another email. I told him I loved him. And I miss him. And that I hate that he feels so hurt that he can’t even stand to see me. I pushed send. It’s already gone. & now I feel vulnerable, knowing I most likely won’t get a response.
But there’s something in not quitting, right?
Sometimes I think I’d be just find if, one day, he walked in the living room and just started talking – like nothing had happened. We’d just go back to living and not worry about confronting what’s in the past. But I think he’d make conditions. He’s say I couldn’t see my yodad or that I couldn’t talk about him. And while I could do my best, my darling daughter can’t stop talking about ALL the people in her life and I could never even try that.
It’s impossible to move forward without a conversation that I don’t think he’ll ever have. And then what?