The Definition of Insanity…

…isn’t it doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results?  …something like that.

I haven’t talked about my family for a bit and last night had enough of a punch to feel it again.  I’ve tried to have Glory at my mom & dad’s once every other week or so.  After talking to my brother, it seemed a good idea to keep Glory around my dad – hoping it would pull him back a little.  Maybe it’s working.  I don’t know.  I do know that Glory loves him.  When he’s around her, he’s very loving with her – as he always was.  But nothing has changed regarding us.

Before I pick her up, I make a warning call.  That gives my mom time to tell my dad I’m almost there.  When I walk in the door, I hear him leave the kitchen and walk to their bedroom.  He shuts the door and stays there until I leave – no matter who long I stay.

It’s ridiculous.  But more than anything else, it hurts me deeply.  I’d like to say that I roll my eyes and scoff at his immaturity.  I wish I could just move on and think of him differently. But I hear his voice in the background of my mom’s voicemail.  I still call him dad when I’m relaying stories of my life and this tiny part of me feels foolish – knowing he no longer considers me his daughter.

I can’t figure out a way to reconcile it all.  Sadly, there seems to be a theme here.

Anyway, I decided to send another email.  I told him I loved him.  And I miss him.  And that I hate that he feels so hurt that he can’t even stand to see me.  I pushed send.  It’s already gone.  & now I feel vulnerable, knowing I most likely won’t get a response.

But there’s something in not quitting, right?

Sometimes I think I’d be just find if, one day, he walked in the living room and just started talking – like nothing had happened.  We’d just go back to living and not worry about confronting what’s in the past.  But I think he’d make conditions.  He’s say I couldn’t see my yodad or that I couldn’t talk about him.  And while I could do my best, my darling daughter can’t stop talking about ALL the people in her life and I could never even try that.

It’s impossible to move forward without a conversation that I don’t think he’ll ever have.  And then what?

This entry was posted in dad.

6 comments on “The Definition of Insanity…

  1. Cris says:

    Do you think he is REALLLLLLY hurt? I mean I think I would be….I am the one who raised you, took care of you, feed you was there when you were sick……I am just saying I don’t know THANK GOD I am not in your shoes but I think he’s hurt……now you have this NEW dad and now that you are grown up he gets to be in your life like was there all along????? I know yours is different but just like people who their dad comes back into their life years later….WTF where have they been all of their life? I mean did your ydad know about you? did he just stay in the back ground? I don’t know sooooo many questions…again hang in there he sounds like he really LOVES your daughter and if he does you have to know deep down he loves your….again I just think he is hurt

    • Keri says:

      He’s definitely hurt, Cris. Of course. Hurt by my mom for the lie and hurt by me for seeking out my bio dad. But it’s been almost exactly a year and I thought he’d come around a little by now. The truth is, we’ve never really been very close but I miss – terribly – the cohesiveness of my family. I know he does too. I’m sure of it! Now it’s just waiting until he’s ready to get back to it.

  2. Thanks for updating me. I’ve been wondering how things were going in this area of your life.
    Although I do love seeing and hearing all about Little Miss Glory Ella.

    How are you with your mom ? more the point, her decision to stay with a man who can treat you this way ?
    How is your brothers relationship with daddy dearest ?

    I remember coming out to my parents and how my dad wouldn’t come out of his room and how we never made eye contact or spoke. It’s so uncomfortable. His silence always made me feel his lack of acceptance and therefore put conditions on his love for me.
    To this day I question it. He talks. a little bit more. 🙂 but the scars are deep and thick and don’t allow a lot of feeling. still.

    Lots of hope that you get a kind email response. although to be honest. I don’t see that happening yet.
    Way to be the mature and healthy one in this relationship (or whatever it is now)
    Glad you have a yo dad to love you like you deserve to be loved.

    • Keri says:

      I adore my mother. She’s the strongest woman I’ll ever know but this has definitely taken a toll. Sometimes it hurts my feelings that she stays. But when I look at her as a woman, & not a mother, I understand it. She loves my dad. She feels horribly guilty for the secret and wants to give him enough time to come around. She’s hopeful and, because his relationship with her continures, she thinks he’ll come back to us too. By “us”, I mean me & my brother.
      Even though my brother has nothing to do with it, their relationship is pretty bad. My brother is upset that my dad is treating me so badly. They haven’t talked in months.
      I am OH so lucky to have my yodad – this pain is not reflective of the love I feel there. He is a wonderful man and amazing papa – not to mention the whole family that comes with him. I’m a very lucky girl in that respect. (in many, really) But it doesn’t help the other part heal.

  3. authenticollision says:

    I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing but I have to say, I think you’re fantastic. You’re not just secretly or quietly hoping, you’re generously and bravely sharing that hope. You’re being incredibly true to yourself and to your dad, even when he can’t, and even when it hurts. It’s not insane. It’s a beautiful living breathing example of sacrificial love that no one in your family, including your impressionable daughter, niece and nephews, will ever forget. And when you dare something that glorious, you have every right to expect a miracle. Keep it up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s