2 or 1 – update

So, funny story…

I wrote yesterday’s post last Friday – timing it to go out yesterday morning.  I wanted to get some good advice before I made a decision and I knew I’d get plenty.

Well, Saturday night, my family went out to celebrate my 16 yo nephew becoming an Eagle Scout.  (I could go on & on about how proud I am to call him mine)  But as we were finishing up dinner, I mentioned to everyone to “save the date for Glory’s party”.  I figured I’d get the date out there then have private conversations with them about it being the only party.  But sadly, it didn’t go like that.  My mom looked at me and asked who would be there and the world stopped turning.

The story goes from bad to worse and I’ll just sum it up by saying that both my mom & brother said they’d “never” come to a joint party.  We all said things we regret and stormed out of the restaurant without saying goodbye.

My heart was broken.

And it’s not because they didn’t want a joint party.  I knew they wouldn’t.  I guess I hoped that they would say they weren’t quite ready this year or just ask me to reconsider.  But “never” hit me hard and I just felt the whole world come down.  All my defenses went up because it’s Glory’s birthday – who loves them all so very much.  And I just felt (from them and me) that maybe everyone blames me a little bit – whether it’s spoken or not.  And it just hurts.

As soon as we left, I collapsed in tears.  The ugly kind.  I cried all the way home and then went on a drive just so I could scream a while – without Glory witnessing.  I got a text from my brother that night – telling me he loves me.  And reminding me that it’s up to us to put the pieces back together because no one is going to do it for us anyone.  They’re not strong enough.  My mom sent a text yesterday – saying that the pain is about a lot more than Glory’s birthday and she’s right.  Mostly, I need something to shift.  And to be honest, the little girl in me needs her to make something right.

My brother has also lost his dad.  But he didn’t get a new one.  He stood up to his dad and said, “you can’t abandon your children.  if Keri’s not your daughter, then I’m not your son.”  And they haven’t spoken since.  …over a year ago.

My mom and I spoke today.  She waited too long to give him a choice but once she did, he didn’t choose us.  They’re getting divorced.  It’s not what I want.  Just like having a joint party.  It’s so much more than that.

So while my post went out yesterday morning, the conversation had already taken place.  I hope it’s the start of … something.


Another Mom

I know I don’t write about this as often as I used to but c’mon, as long as it’s happening…

I met with another mom on Saturday morning.  She has a 5 yo son but hasn’t seen him in 4 months.  It’s one of those stories where they haven’t been together in a very long time but worked it out, none the less.  Things were going well but then a new girl enters the picture and everything changes.  It’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard this same thing.  & it’s not the first time I’ve been asked what to do, who to talk to, how to breathe, etc.  But it sure brings it all back for me every.single.time.

He’s five!  He’s known her his whole life!  He doesn’t care why you don’t get along anymore or that you have a new girlfriend.  He probably loves her – just like you do.  But if you think he won’t remember, you’re wrong.  If you think there won’t be a day where you’re (both) going to have to explain it, you’re wrong.

All over the country there are cases just like this.  We’re waiting on rulings in Florida, Colorado, New York, New Mexico – just to name a few.  One by one, courts are finding just how terrible this disruption is on the children.  One by one, these kids are growing up – learning about the loss.

What can we do about it?  Seriously, give me some ideas.  How do we get ahead of this so when you’re put in the position of being able to do it, you re-think it?  I feel like there must be a thousand things we’re not thinking of.  I feel like, if I could tell this mom of my situation now… the terrible regrets thru it, she may soften and change her mind.

I can sit with this mom who’s trying to live without her son.  I can tell her how to take care of herself – how to prepare herself for the long-haul but also how to prepare for every morning.  I can be available to her when just breathing is hard or when her mind is going so fast with ideas.  But not him.  He’s five.  & there’s no way it can be explained to him.